Somewhere along the way, “never settle” got translated into “never date anyone who doesn’t check every box on your résumé wishlist.” And that sounds empowering until you realize what it quietly trains you to do: screen men like they’re job candidates, then tolerate them like you’re lucky they showed up.
Here’s the part nobody likes saying out loud because it messes with the fantasy: plenty of women have a rigid checklist for entry, and a dangerously flexible checklist for maintenance. Meaning: he must be tall, successful, impressive to your friends… but once he’s in, he can be moody, careless, selfish, unpredictable, and somehow that becomes “complex” or “misunderstood.”
If you’re going to be strict about something, be strict about the parts that actually shape your daily life. Flip the order. Lower the bar for what gets him through the door, and raise the standard for how he treats you once he’s inside.
The Checklist That Gets You Picked… Isn’t the One That Keeps You Safe
“He’s 6’2.” “He’s a doctor.” “He’s ambitious.” “He has great potential.”
Cool. And?
Those are entry metrics. They’re the things you can list on a group chat screenshot. They’re easy to justify. They’re also the things that make women talk themselves into staying when the relationship starts draining them. Because once he meets the “headline” requirements, the rest feels negotiable. Like you can bargain your way into being treated well.
But the relationship you live in isn’t built out of height. It’s built out of Tuesday nights, car rides, bad moods, disappointments, stress, and how someone acts when nothing is being performed for an audience.
Maintenance metrics are the unsexy ones. The ones that don’t pop in photos. The ones that decide whether you feel calm or constantly on alert.
Entry Standards Are Public. Maintenance Standards Are Private.
There’s a reason women get obsessive about entry standards: other people can see them.
Your friends can see his job title. Your family can see his polish at dinner. Your ex can see his lifestyle on Instagram. Entry standards come with social proof. They give you a story that makes sense.
Maintenance standards are harder to “prove.” They’re private. They happen when no one’s watching: the way he reacts to your boundaries, the way he handles frustration, the way he speaks to you when he’s tired, the way he behaves when you’re not being charming.
And because those things are private, women often feel dramatic for caring about them too much. Like insisting on kindness is “too sensitive,” or expecting consistency is “asking for perfection.”
It isn’t perfection. It’s the baseline for a life that doesn’t slowly eat you.
The Aha: Lower the Checklist. Raise the Devotion.
Here’s the sentence that changes the whole game, if you let it:
Have lower standards in terms of what checklist a man has to meet, but have higher standards about how kindly and with what level of devotion he has to treat you.
Not devotion like worship. Devotion like effort with a pulse. Like he’s actually present. Like he doesn’t treat you as a convenient option he can keep warm with minimal investment.
Lower the checklist means you stop rejecting decent men because they don’t come with the right packaging. Raise the standard means you stop excusing bad behavior because the packaging is expensive.
“But He Has So Much Potential” Is How Women Volunteer for Pain
Potential is a seductive word. It makes misery sound temporary. It makes you feel like a visionary. It lets you label a man’s mess as a work-in-progress you’re lucky enough to witness.
But here’s what potential really does in dating: it gives you a reason to stay in a reality you don’t enjoy.
If a man treats you poorly, don’t negotiate with his potential. Don’t become his personal improvement project because he happens to be attractive, successful, or socially impressive. You can’t love someone into being considerate. You can’t argue someone into respecting you. You can’t “be patient” long enough to turn inconsistency into character.
People don’t become kind because you earned it. They’re kind because that’s how they move through the world.
The Kind Man You Call “Boring” Might Be the First One Who Won’t Ruin Your Nervous System
Some women dismiss good men because the relationship doesn’t spike their adrenaline. It doesn’t have the dramatic highs, the anxious waiting, the sudden bursts of affection after periods of coldness.
They mistake calm for lack of chemistry because they’ve been trained by past chaos. Chaos is loud. Chaos has a storyline. Chaos gives you something to analyze.
Calm just shows up. Calm texts back. Calm doesn’t punish you for having needs. Calm doesn’t make you audition for basic decency. Calm can feel “flat” if you’re used to emotional whiplash.
The “boring” guy might not dominate the room, but he might be the one who makes your life easier instead of harder. He might be the one who doesn’t turn every disagreement into a power struggle. He might be the one who treats you like a person, not a prize he’s trying to win.
Early “Excitement” Often Has a Dark Source
A lot of the vibe people romanticize early on is not romance. It’s uncertainty.
It’s the thrill of not knowing where you stand. It’s the rush of being chosen on random days and ignored on others. It’s the intensity of someone who comes on strong, then pulls back, then acts like you’re asking for too much when you want consistency.
That kind of excitement hits like a drug because it keeps your brain guessing. You’re not bonding. You’re chasing. And chasing feels like passion until it starts costing you your dignity.
If the beginning feels like a rollercoaster, don’t call it fate. Call it a warning label.
What “High Standards” Actually Look Like in Daily Life
If you want standards that protect you, they have to be measurable in ordinary moments, not just impressive on paper.
High maintenance standards look like:
He speaks to you with respect even when he’s irritated. He doesn’t punish you with silence. He doesn’t turn your feelings into a debate. He doesn’t make you afraid to bring things up. He doesn’t treat your boundaries like obstacles he’s entitled to push through. He doesn’t keep you guessing whether you’re “allowed” to want more.
He follows through. He’s consistent. He’s not perfect, but he’s predictable in the ways that matter: you can trust his tone, his effort, and his basic decency.
And yes, he might still be flawed. But his flaws don’t make you smaller.
Stop Trying to Earn the Version of Him You Imagined
One of the most common traps is dating a man as if you’re in a relationship with his future self.
You’re not.
You’re with the man who exists now. The man who cancels. The man who says the wrong thing and doesn’t fix it. The man who disappears when it’s inconvenient. The man who acts loving when he wants access to you and distant when he feels secure again.
If you’re constantly trying to earn basic care, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in a test you didn’t agree to take.
Raise the standard: you don’t stay where you have to beg to be treated well.
Actionable Rules That Make This Real (Not Just a Cute Idea)
Rule one: If he’s unkind early, don’t wait for the “real him.” Early dating is the audition. People are on their best behavior. If the best is still disrespect, the rest will be worse.
Rule two: Don’t keep dating someone because he’s impressive. Date him because he’s safe to be yourself around. Being impressed is not the same thing as being cared for.
Rule three: If you feel anxious all the time, don’t romanticize it. Anxiety is information. It’s your body telling you something is unstable.
Rule four: Give the decent man more than one date. Not ten. Not months of “maybe.” But enough time to see whether his steadiness is real, and whether your attraction grows when you stop confusing chaos with desire.
Rule five: Stop calling it “settling” when a man doesn’t match your fantasy. Settling is accepting less kindness than you require. Settling is shrinking your needs to keep someone. Settling is staying where you feel tolerated.
The Question That Cuts Through Everything
When you strip away the résumés and the optics, the question is brutally simple:
Do you feel more like yourself around him, or less?
Because the man who meets your entry checklist can still slowly hollow you out. And the man who doesn’t look perfect on paper can still build a life with you that feels steady, warm, and human.
Lower the bar for the packaging. Raise the standard for the treatment. Watch how fast your dating life stops feeling like a performance and starts feeling like a choice.